Transitioning to natural hair...

Any bad breakup can lead to a drastic change. This was a bad break up. I'm heart broken and I really feel like I need to make a change I can control. So, I'm going natural. I made the decision on Monday (March 23). I'm tired of getting relaxers and I want to see what my hair looks like. I'm excited about this change. It feels like a fresh start on line. I know, it's just hair! But, it's a change and something that I never seriously considered before.

Happy Birthday to Me....

I know understand those women that are scorned. I get it. I understand those that swear off men and lump them all into the same category.

I am one of those women. After moving and trying with him to start back at square 1, I see that that isn’t an option. Slowly over the past few weeks and months, our connection to each other is slowly dying. We’re not close like we used to be. He betrayed me, but I still love him. I want to believe that he wants this as much as I do. I want to believe that he’ll try anything to make this work. But, I see now that he won’t. He keeps telling me that he ‘doesn’t know what to do’. I don’t understand that. I tell him to ‘do what you did when we first started dating’. But, that isn’t good enough, because he still acts clueless.

Well, today is the straw that broke the camels back. Today is my birthday and he hasn’t acknowledged it. When we first started dating, I told him that I love my birthdays and anyone I’m with should treat them as if they love them too. Call it what you want, but I laid ground rules in the beginning.

The 1st birthday, he took me to Miami! I loved it.

The 2nd birthday, he was stationed overseas and he sent me a gift from Italy.

The 3rd birthday, and by far the most important since it was my 30th, we just went to dinner. Oh, let’s not forget that the weekend before, I found out he had been cheating on me because the woman called me.

Here we are at the 4th birthday since we’ve been together and he has yet to acknowledge it. No “Happy Birthday” or “I have a surprise for you”..nothing. We’ve talked about 6 times today already and still nothing. Should I remind him?? NO WAY. 3 years we dated. My birthday was never an issue before so why now.

However, in the meantime, I’ve received the most perfect gifts from friends and family. I didn’t know what I wanted for my birthday, but everything that I’ve received was perfect!

And it’s not about the gifts. It’s the thought. All the gifts I received shows that someone put thought into getting me something special.

My co-worker and I joke about the SNL skit “D*** in a Box” all the time. For my birthday, she actually wrapped a box and cut a hole out of it…the funniest thing.

I’ve received endless birthday wishes from people. Today has been made special. But the one person that should be on top of their game has yet to show anything. That only leads me to believe that I am no longer the important person to him he claims I am.

Am I hurt? Yes. Do I want to cry about it? Yes… but I’m not. I’ve had a really good day today. I’m glad that the ones that love me have helped to make it special.

2 weeks later

It's been about 2 weeks since I left him. I'm back in my house now. A few thousand dollars later, it's livable. I'm still missing some key components like a bed for my daughter, living room set, dining chairs, etc... but I'm back in my own place. It's somewhat bittersweet to be here. When I moved, we were getting married. We were going to sell this place and begin life together as husband and wife. Now after over a year of living together, I'm back where I started. It's like winning the lotto but later finding out you owe back taxes. Makes you want to say DAMN!!

In the past 2 weeks, he has apologized more than anything. Why won't they do this when they have it!?!?!? I'm upset and happy at the same time. If only he would have started being humble sooner maybe I would have never moved. But he allowed his ego/pride/dumbassness interfere with what he really wanted. Allegedly, now he understands this. But, I'm still skeptical. Of course I love him, but look what I had to go thru just to get him to realize what has happened.

We had a great relationship, so i thought, til she started contacting me. We didn't argue, fight, etc. We got along great, he was my best friend. Of course we had usual relationship issues, but who doesn't. But, once this happened, the trust was broken. My faith in our relationship was tainted by all the thoughts of what happened. But, I still tried to work it out. I tried to fight thru what I was feeling for the sake of our relationship. Not once did i reject him emotionally for what he had done.

But, when he assumed I was cheating (no proof!!) he rejected me so bad that my heart broke again. I couldn't believe how he was treating me. Me..of all people. I take care of HIS son. I am the sole everything to his child and he's treating me so horribly.

Now he's constantly apologizing. Realizing the error of his ways. Professing his undying love for me and the kids. Saying he misses us. I say to him...I'm not moving til I am married and we were to move to a home we purchased together. Never will I allow anyone to live with me or me with them. I gave up my belongings, convenient location and free time to move with him. I don't feel like he respected that enough to not do what he did.

If you want me, it's an up hill battle up a steep mountain.

So it's over

My drama dealing with this relationship is now over. I left him. In a calculated event, my belongings are gone from his residence. I'm hurt!

What happened you wonder?

Well, one argument to many and he said one thing you do not say to someone living in your home...DON'T GO HOME. As if I'm no longer allowed in his house. That statement sent me into a plan to move immediately. I am mother. You will not put me and my children out of your house. So before he could make that attempt, I started making plans to move. He had every opportunity to apologize for the statement and say he didn't mean it. He could have said something. But he said nothing. He treated me nasty those last days. I allowed him to talk to me any kind of way he wanted. Only because I knew what my plan was. I was moving. He didn't know i was doing this.

That Wednesday, i called my father to see if we can move with him temporarily. Of course he said. Then I took the next 2 days off of work. I contacted movers and i began doing all the things you do when you move. Scheduling disconnects and service transfers. Mail is going to be rerouted, etc. He was going to be out of town that Friday, so it worked out great. Fate set in. This has to happen now. There is no better time to do this with as less drama as possible.

Wednesday on lunch, i get my storage unit.

Thursday I'm off and I told him I was in training. But I was moving small items and washing my children clothes. getting them ready to move. I visit my family and spend time talking to them about the situation. Then I went and picked up the kids.

Friday, i got up like usual. He was still being nasty to me. Not knowing I was going to move. I was hoping for him to show some signs of kindness. But there were none. I moved all my stuff by noon. I went and picked up his son by 3:30pm from school. After several text messages back and forth all day and the majority from his end being nasty, I had enough. When we got back to his house, I told him that I was moving and he'll need to come home after his out of town conference.

That sent him into immediate nasty mode. Even though, I was still watching his son, he was still being nasty and hateful. Making it seem like I was mistreating his child and stealing his items from his house. I told him that the only thing that I was taking were my belongings.

Now that I'm out, I miss him like crazy. But, this was necessary. This is what needed to happen. He has since apologized for his actions, but should it seriously take this for him to realize that he was screwing up. My children and I are now gone. His son is with his parents. He's now home alone. His family is gone. When will some men learn to appreciate what they have?

Resentment!

I think about all the things I've done for him and it makes me cry. I sacrificed a lot and gave up so much thinking we were getting married. But all that blew up in my face that day she contacted me. It made me realize that a proposal means nothing. So what he bought a expensive ring. It didn't keep him faithful! I thought I was doing the right thing when I moved in with him. This was after we got engaged. We were making this life together. But a year after the engagement and still no marriage left some things tense in our relationship. I thought he was stalling when I came to setting a date. So we finally did. Although I didn't want a wedding, I was planning one because he wanted it. I take care of his son while he's gone most of the time with work. I make sure he does his homework, care for him when he is sick and do everything a mother is supposed to do. I didn't take a promotion on my job because my family life was too stressful with all the responsibilities I had. I felt very single but involved. His job didn't allow me a lot of flexibility at work. I couldn't work the late hours the promotion would have required. So being supportive to him and his career, I turned it down. Now, of course, I regret it. I hate that I have up so much to be with a man that would disrespect me in such a way. While this affair was going on, I had salvation army pick up MY furniture. I gutted MY house to prepare it for sale. I gave up a lot of my belongs to make this move with him. And this slapped me in my face! Resentment is what I feel. If you've heard that song, you know what I'm talking about.

So it's been a while....

.....and I hadn't posted anything. As this is my secret blog, other life projects got in the way and I forgot my password. I finally figured it out...YAH.. cause i have personal life shit going on and need to vent. Some things I just can't tell friends or family, so it's easier to tell anonymous people....lol

So, first things first... I was right! And I didn't go looking for it. It happened in my lap. The other woman contacted me, while we were shopping for places to have our wedding which happened to be the weekend before my birthday. Go figure. She started sending me text messages to my phone. How did she get my number...I have no clue. I mean, of course I have a clue, but idiot won't admit to shit so who's to say. This whole situation boils down to, 'Follow your intuitions'. My intuitions told me that something wasn't right but I didn't listen. The truth finally came out when I had to show him evidence after the conversation with the girl. He admitted to a online affair and it never became physical. LOL and I'm Elmor Fudd. How else would she get my CELL PHONE NUMBER?

This obviously ended any wedding plans and the engagement. Now we're at a point of 'we don't know what to do' or it's better put as 'i don't know what to do'. Sure leaving is the first answer anyone tells you to do. However, it's always a hard choice to make when you have hope that things could change. Also, we have children involved and time invested.

So do I really want to give up? That's the question

20 Minutes for ME

Lately, with managing a household, Fiancé and 3 kids, I have found myself swallowed with responsibilities. I’ve never felt this busy, overwhelmed or stressed before. Yeah, he helps when he gets home in the evenings. But, by that time it’s already 9:30 and everything is already done for that day. Trying to find time to take care of myself is hard. So I steal it.

The other day I called Fiancé from work and told him I needed him to pick up the kids. I legitimately had errands to run….which was true. I ran my errands and probably should have beaten him home. However, I was tired of being mommy, wife, instructor, disciplinarian, etc and just wanted to be me. I stole 20 minutes.

I stopped at Wendy’s on the way home. I can’t remember the last time I had fast food. I’ve been trying to be real healthy because Fiancé is real fit and trim and hell, I need to keep looking good. He doesn’t enforce, but women understand the reasoning behind that. I was craving hot fries, chicken nuggets and a frosty. I don’t even recall making the conscious decision to stop; my car just went to Wendy’s drive thru. I placed my order, happily paid and pulled into a parking lot.

I made phone calls I’ve been putting off because I honestly haven’t had the time to do them. Spoke with Fiancé and told him I was still running my errands (Wendy’s was an errand..kinda) and I’ll be home soon. He was almost home at that point. I ate my food in peace. By myself, away from family and responsibility. I think it even tasted better like that.