Complete and total idiot....

....that's what I am. I don't make it a point to self loathe..but every now and then..it's required. The saying "If you go looking for something, you'll find it" is true in every sense.

Maybe I should give you a lil background...or not. Let's just say, my relationship didn't start on the best foot. My now fiance was going thru a divorce when we met and he failed to mention that at the time. When you have time and feelings invested in someone it's hard to let them go. However, it's easy to hold on to suspicion constantly and I am always suspicious of everything he does. Almost, not trusting him. Most of my suspicion I keep to myself, however, I drive myself crazy with the constant researching and 'trying' to find things. Only to get proven wrong in ever sense....most of the time.

Well, today, I did my usual, check his e-mail acct. Usually it's nothing there to look at. However, today in the sent box, there's an e-mail to a woman that he used to be in love with. Now I only know his feelings for her thru previous e-mails he sent to her before we met. In those e-mails they were lovey dovey. Since, I'm a private detective by nature, I printed the e-mail w/the full header so I have a time and date stamp of when he sent it......and i put it in my filing cabinet at work. Yes, I have issues. But, when every I confront someone about anything, I like to have backup evidence. So, I wont say anything. I'll just monitor the activity and go from there. It could be a harmless conversation of "just wanted to say HI" type thing. I mean she e-mailed him being curious to see if he still had that account and he only responded. No lovey dovey stuff....

But, I'm watching and waiting......

I can do it.....

I read my horoscope today and it couldn’t be more right….

“Delicate negotiations are best conducted at another time. You have tons of conversational energy, but the emotions of a situation are heavily emphasized, too. Spare yourself the trouble and talk things out later.”

I’ve been feeling really combative w/my fiancé the past 2 days. I’m not to sure what it is. This whole sharing your life w/someone gets to me sometimes. I’ve always been independent. Supported my single mom lifestyle pretty well w/no outside finances. Made my own decisions w/o anyone’s influences. But, now here I am always getting someone’s input on day in/day out activity. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

For example, I’m going out of town today to go visit him. So, my original plan was to pack last night when I got home from work. However, since I had to drop my daughter off to her dad’s, I wanted to hang out w/her for a while before I left. So, she and I went to the movies. Anywho…I didn’t get home ‘til 10:30. Now I had to hurry up and pack, wash my hair, wash some additional clothes, etc. I’m doing most of this while talking to him on the phone. Using the Bluetooth so I’m hands free. While I’m trying to do things, he’s telling me that I need to go to bed and it’s late and blah blah blah. When was I going to get it done???? I needed to pack, I need to blow dry my hair…etc.

I GOT THIS!!!! I’m almost ready to pounce but not in a good way!! But, like my horoscope said, I waited to talk about this delicate topic til I get there.

Trust me I’ve handled much more stressful stuff then packing for a trip late at night. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t think I can. Or he doesn’t want me to stress or get tired or damn do anything. I swear if he was here he would have packed for me. It’s nice sometimes to made to feel like adored but others I still feel like my independence is being challenged. Like I need to prove that I can do it with out you….you’re not needed kinda thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I love him. But, I don’t love him for what he can do for me….cause I can do it myself. But, like my horoscope said, I waited to talk about this delicate topic til I get there.